Natbar, I am little surprised after reading your last letter. I can’t understand why are you still sticking on the same monotonous old lost story? Don’t you understand that there is, in fact, no one to hear you in that respect? Actually, you don’t left any body to listen.
You said that you are feeling guilty. But I don’t understand for what you should feel guilty! What have you done? You argued that you insulted sree, you quarreled with her, you disrespected her any many ways, you couldn’t show proper concern about her bla bla bla ….
Okey, let me understand one by one.
You insulted her. You did a wrong thing. I am not going to the details, as every body concerned with this knows very well about the story. At least you and sree know better. It might be an impulsive issue. I don’t believe that you did that in a conscious way. And for that you beg apology to every concerned person. But always remember, you can’t ever back the word you have said once. And for that you should be ready for any reaction, any sentence, and any punishment. And you are getting that. You are not the person to decide what kind of punishment you deserve. You can only take that punishment with smiling or not, but you have to take that anyway. You done a wrong and you got punishment and you already faced… then where is the room for feeling guilt? At best you can be ashamed, not more that.
Secondly, you quarreled. Every body quarrels. It’s a common and very much natural thing to do. We generally quarrel with that person with whom we are well acquainted, with other people we show our anger, our hate but we don’t quarrel, we avoid. Can you remember a single issue for which you quarreled with sree… remember… try again… can’t remember… because those were very silly issues so you can’t remember.
I am trying to make you remember something. You weren’t with her at the B’Day Party. You used to hate some of her friends. You also used to hate some of her close kin. You smoked although she requested not to smoke…. any more major issues? … frankly I can’t remember!
Now, let talk about the disrespect you showed to her. Yes you did that. Not once, several times. If you can’t remember then I will make you remember. She told you something about herself with trust. What have you done?
Do you have any explanation? Ohhh … I know you will say the same thing which I have heard at least 100 times. Bogus. Don’t forget you were nobody to think about her. Her parents were there and they are more concern and efficient to take care about her and to take decision about her fate. Who the hell you were to suggest about what is good or what is bad! You being a utopian “Tees Mar Khan” suggested a lot of things to her parents, they listened carefully, you thought you were the savior, they did whatever they thought right from their point of view … and you disrespect your love, you became dishonest. All were your fault. You proved that you are a nut. And as a result you lost her. But the story doesn’t end here. You are so fool that you never ever able to follow her pulses. She was angry. You made her so.
But after all these things I know very well that how much you love her. If I am not wrong, it is the eighth month you are trying to bring her back. But dear, how could you do? She left you after facing a lot of trouble created by you. Could you bring back her those beautiful times? No, you can’t. She will never ever back to you. Why should she?
Dear, you wrote in your letter that you are not able to perform your duties properly as you always thinking about her. Please don’t give any more lame excuses! You can do. In fact you are doing. Do not forget those critical days when just to forget everything you worked overloaded. You worked like a coolie, you carried packets from here to there, you did sweep, you did roam everywhere for more and more work. And one day you lost yourself in work and forgot everything. Then what happened again?
One word in you letter made me laugh at loud and that was “suicidal tendency”! Dear, if you don’t have any urge to live then just live without expecting a little from the life. There are possibly, in broad sense, two types of suicide occurs in this world. One is physical and another is non-physical (moral). Go dear, opt for the non-physical. It is much easier. Just become indifferent about the outer world. I know you already became indifferent to some extent. But this time be more serious. Don’t think about anybody, any issues. Just do what ever you want to do. Kill every expectation, every little tender quality, and every emotion and if you are able to do that then you will definitely realize that there is no need to take your life off from yourself.
Make yourself ready for the unknown world, unknown stories and just forget and if possible forgive every person whom once you love. Love is nothing, dear. In this practical world there is nobody ready to forgive you for your every mistakes, no matter how little your mistakes were. So why bother!
Do you forget about the story of “Phoenix”? Phoenix (mythology), legendary bird that lived in Arabia. According to tradition, the phoenix consumed itself by fire every 500 years, and a new, young phoenix sprang from its ashes. In the mythology of ancient Egypt, the phoenix represented the sun, which dies at night and is reborn in the morning. Early Christian tradition adopted the phoenix as a symbol of both immortality and resurrection.
Here lies the clue of life. Resurrection: rising from dead.
Are you mourning thinking that without you how that little sree will survive in this world? Idiot, sree is no more little… your presence made her able to live. Believe or not, you always have some thought-provoking ideas and those have crippled in her mind very positively. She is now more mature than you. She knows well how to live and how to make others happy. So, probably, no need to think about her. Just wish that she be happy, always.
Wish you a very happy resurrection!